The past few days, I have been feeling kind of discouraged.  While every day has been filled with lots of little joys, there have also been some frustrations, that usually come in the package of, “Yep, yet another thing that’s nearly impossible for me” b/c 1. I can’t speak the language, 2. I grew up in a place with every resource, every food, everything you’d ever need to make everything easier...  And 3, I don’t really understand this culture yet, (as completely expected).

Here’s some things that have been really hard for me (forgot to mention, this is D speaking)… It’s really hard for me to watch how discipline is done here.  Even the littlest children will get hit, sometimes hard, for doing something wrong, whether it was an accident (like they wet their pants), or they obviously just didn’t know it was wrong… it’s hard to see parents/adults do this, b/c then kids think they can just hit each other too, which I’ve seen more and more of every day.

Even at the orphanage.  And it breaks my heart.  The kids are PRECIOUS. And I love them more than I can express.  And as I said before, they are truly coming alive and it’s incredible.  But along with that has come a new “entitlement” to take charge and hit back when someone has done something wrong.  And it’s so hard to not be able to speak Creole in these times, b/c I so badly want to help them deal with it another way.  But then I feel doubly attacked, feeling like, “Who are you to think you can even reverse the way of an entire culture?”   It is daunting. And truth is, I can’t do it. 

Little things have also been hard, and I won’t go into all of them, but just like the story i told you about the diaper..., how in the world do I get a rectangular piece of fabric, extremely stiff in nature, to fit nicely around a baby’s butt?  It wasn’t even made to be a cloth diaper.  And then when the house mom sees how bad I do it, how do I explain, “I’m sorry.  I’ve never had to do this before.  In America, we have throw away diapers that are easy to put on.  But I promise, i really do want to be helpful.”

Ahh!!!  Sometimes I just feel soooooooooo incapable here!  But I have read some GOOD news this morning.  And if you’re still reading this far into this blog, I’d like to share it with you.

In the midst of feeling so incapable, God is showing me that He is capable. 

Paul said, “and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men, but in the POWER of GOD.”  1 Cor 2:4-5

That’s good, b/c my words are DEFINITELY not plausible here. Or wise. Or impressive.  Far from it.  They are not even understandable most of the time.  But it’s not about my words, b/c it is the power of God that will change anything, not what I can do or say.  And that’s really comforting to me this morning.

Then I read on that we are stewards of the mysteries of God.” 1 Cor. 4:1

Seems like a simple verse, but for me today, it was chock full of sheer amazingness.  It shed a lot of light and truth into how I’ve been feeling.  While I so often times want “instant gratification,” and want to see God doing awesome things thru us here constantly, God says that I am a steward of what will probably always be a mystery to me.  If it weren’t this way,  I’d probably get really proud, (“so that none would be puffed up” verse 6) and think I did something great or something.  Or think God needed me.  Far from it!!!!!

Of course God is performing miracles here.  Of course He LOVES these children more than I do.  And every single day, He is working.  I just won’t see, or understand, all these “secret mysteries”  all the time.  Which is really probably the best thing for me… b/c it is both a relief and a good thing for my ego to know it’s not about what I can do here; instead, it’s about what He’s already done in Christ.  I believe He’s bringing me to the end of my rope here in order to show me this. 

“For the Spirit of God does not consist in talk but in POWER.  What do you wish?  Shall I come to you with a ROD or with LOVE in a spirit of gentleness?” 1 Cor. 4:20-21

Here’s what God spoke to me this morning: God’s kingdom and power do not need us.  They don’t require fancy talk, elevated language, or “perfect Christ followers” [if that were even a thing, hah].  Instead, Jesus just wants our imperfect hearts to know HIS oh so gentle LOVE for us.  He LOVES the imperfect, b/c they know, when God moves, that it is the power of God working, not themselves.  When we know this, we can respond to Jesus’ spirit of gentleness.  Instead of the rod.  I feel like each day, we have a choice to either live under the law, the rod, or to pray Jesus helps us sit and rest in the finished work of Christ.  His love.  Jesus’ heart is that we would trust that He has already taken the rod for us.  That Jesus has followed the law for us.  And that He longs to love us tenderly and personally.  And from THAT, and only that, may we respond with hearts of gratitude and servanthood.  If it is the law that is motivating us, or our own need to feel important or “justified,” we will get nowhere!!! 

For some WILD reason, God chose us, little old us!, to live in Heaven with Him one day.  And while on this earth, to be freed in every way so as to experience His wild rescue of us daily, even as our hearts wander and want to do it on our own… all so we can experience His magnificent love even on such a broken planet as this. 

Today, God is performing “secret mysteries” that we may not even see or sense.  I pray we can trust in that today. In Him.  Instead of our wimpy selves. <3



09/27/2009 10:56am

well, first of all HAPPY ANNIVERSARY d and j:) what an amazing first year you have had together! onto this blog entry...oh my - how you have encouraged my own faith to believe again the gospel is true....true for you in haiti....and true for me in nb!...and dbid - that is exactly what my heart needed to be reminded of today. thank you so much for exposing so genuinely the ways PapaGod is meeting you and pressing into you both His love, His power, His life, His rescue of your on needy hearts in the very needy country you live in. again - your stories are bringing life to my own dry bones!...i shore do love my d and j, mama reina

09/27/2009 2:19pm

You have no idea how much that blessed my heart. Thank you. Miss you and praying everyday.



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